Your Job Is To Resolve Conflict, So Step In!
Warm on People, Tough on Issues
The Weekly Walkaway highlights negotiation in its ‘good’, ‘bad’ and sometimes ‘downright ugly’ forms. Issue No. 92 (25th October 2024).
Summary
In negotiation, conflict should not be seen as ‘bad’. We need to reframe it as ‘good’ because it's only through conflict that we can resolve problems and issues.
Your job is to navigate conflicts of interests and opinions, so step in.
This week on The Weekly Walkaway, we’re diving into how staying “warm on people, but tough on issues” is the ultimate power move.
When tensions rise, don’t dodge it, step in.
Master the art of staying calm and focusing on the problem, not the person, and watch as your unshakeable composure sets the tone.
Want to control the conversation without adding fuel to the fire? Read on, and find out how to turn conflict into cooperation!
Your job is to resolve conflict, so step in!
Hello you Walkawayers, you deal-closing virtuosos!
Welcome back to The Weekly Walkaway, where we rant at and sometimes dissect the fine art of getting what you want without, well, making everyone hate you..
This week, we’re tackling a timeless negotiation mantra:
Be warm on people, but tough on issues.
Or, if you prefer the more diplomatic version:
Attack the problem, not the person.
Sounds good, right?
Easy?
Maybe even a little touchy-feely?
Let's hug that unicorn under a rainbow and… “sprinkles”..
Until someone’s yelling in your face..
Calling you, your proposal, your very ‘being’ a joke..
… and questioning your competency in ways that make you want to scream and shout and let it all out!
Because life is conflict.
A conflict of opinions and interests and you only resolve conflict by stepping in, and negotiating your way through the conflict.
Walkawayers.. if you’re working in professional services, recruitment or, in fact, any area where the negotiation is with and for humans (not stuff; FMCG, Retail etc) then you know that emotions run high.. And I mean HIGH!
Conflict is everywhere.. And you can’t just duck under it, kick it down the road or ignore it.
Your job is to resolve conflict, so step in!
So, this week, we’re diving into why it’s crucial to keep a warm tone but a tough spine and how you can avoid being sucked into the emotional vortex that’s oh so easy to fall into.
Because your ability to stay calm while all around you lose their heads will determine the success of ‘this’ negotiation and your future relationship after it.
1. Embrace the Law of Reciprocity
When someone comes at you with anger, hostility, or even ‘constructive feedback’ (LOL) it’s only human to want to mirror that energy back.
It’s called the ‘law of reciprocity’.
It's just psychology, Walkawayers.. Simples.
But, here's the kicker.. The law of reciprocity works both ways.
When your counterpart comes in hot, they expect resistance. They expect you to justify, explain, defend, counter and maybe even want you to bite back.
So, if you know that, what happens if you don’t?
Imagine what would happen if you responded evenly, calmly and with a warm tone.
They rant, they shout and you calmly and warmly bring things back to the issue at hand.
So instead of being used by reciprocity, use it to your advantage.
Infect them with your calmest and your coolest, radio DJ tones.
When you refuse to mirror them it’s not just disarming; it’s powerful.
They will feel your calm power and it will make them feel out of control.. and, given a little time and space they’ll dial it back and mirror your behaviour.
Here’s a line you can use:
“You can shout at me but it won’t change the issue. I’m the solution, not the problem”
2. If They Get Personal, Stay Purposeful! Climb to the Top of Your Lighthouse, Gain a Better Perspective
‘You are wasting my time! Cost Price Increase! You don’t understand the industry?’
or..
‘I thought you were supposed to be the expert here...’
Now, it’s tempting to fire back, to explain, justify or even argue.. but (deep breath) resist the urge.
Instead, focus on the issue, the problem, and remind them of it..
Do not mirror them. Climb to the top of your lighthouse and look down on their situation from a different point of view. Gain a better perspective.
Then, deflect their emotion and even match their intensity but with your focus on the issue, not on the person.
For example, a purposeful response could be:
“I can see you are angry but I am just the messenger. All clients have the cost price increase, as set out by our CFO. It will happen on the date.. but work with me and let's see if we can find a solution”
“I understand that this is frustrating. Let ‘s not let our feelings cloud us from the real issue. Let’s refocus on the problem.”
Hold up the mirror..
Tell them you understand their feelings but also tell them to not waste energy away from solving the issue..
You’re not pretending their anger doesn’t exist; you’re simply choosing not to engage with it.
Be careful though, this approach can be patronising and therefore annoying but as long as you continue with point one above (warm on people but tough on issues) and remain purposeful, anchored on resolving that issue, then you’ll be demonstrating a level of control that is powerful which can help steer them away from personal attacks.
3. Maintain Your Boundaries and Use The Power of ‘Let’s’
The final key in staying warm on people yet tough on the issues is knowing where your boundaries are and enforcing them.
When things get heated, remind them, and yourself, that while it’s easy to feel personally attacked, you’re both here for a reason, to negotiate a solution.
Remember you need to firstly appreciate that you are in conflict.. And that is OK. It is through conflict that we find solutions.
Politely, yet firmly, point out that personal attacks aren’t helpful, are disrespectful and only delay the inevitable.
Say something like; “attacking me will not solve the problem. Let's attack the problem together”..
Step into the conflict. Stand your ground.
They will respect that.
Additionally and you know I like to give you Weekly Walkawayers some secret sauce; take a look at the word ‘Let’s’...
‘Let’s’ is an innocent word but with mighty power.
Let us…
Using it subtly shifts the mindset from compete to cooperate..
From “me versus you” to “us versus the problem.”
Use ‘let’s’ to frame things as an invitation for them to work with not against you.
Phrases like;
“Let’s focus on finding a solution”..
“Let’s figure out what we need to move forward”..
“Let’s work through this together”..
‘Let us’ dissolves tension faster than an after game beer or after work G&T.
This isn’t just a hug a unicorn tactic.. it’s a power move.
When you emphasise cooperation over competition it becomes harder for your counterpart to paint you as the.. well.. villain.
It forces them to acknowledge that you’re part of the solution, not the problem.. even if they’re rattling their cage and smashing their chest trying to make you feel like the opposition.
Conclusion: Walk into the Storm, Don’t Dodge It
Conflict is unavoidable.. It's part of the deal-making terrain.
And as much as we’d all love to sidestep it, your job is to step in.
So, when the shouting begins and accusations start flying, remember this:
Be warm on people, but tough on issues.
The more you focus on the problem rather than getting sucked into the drama, the more you'll find yourself directing the negotiation, not reacting to it.
By standing firm and keeping things cooperative, you’re more than just a dealmaker, you're a professional collaborator.
So, Walkawayers, the next time you’re faced with conflict, don’t dodge it; embrace it. Step in, keep that calm tone, and bring the focus back to solving the problem.
You’re not just navigating the noise; you’re setting the tone. And when they finally mirror your calm, you'll know who really controlled the conversation all along.