Reading People Like a Book
This week on the weekly walkaway, we explore the book 'Reading People Like a Book’ by Patrick King, How to Analyse, Understand, and Predict People’s Emotions, Thoughts, Intentions, and Behaviours.
The Weekly Walkaway highlights negotiation in its ‘good’, ‘bad’ and sometimes ‘downright ugly’ forms. Issue No. 69 (15th March 2024).
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Thought of The Week: Reading people like a book
We love a good book at Kahvay, and this week is an exploration of the book Reading People Like a Book’ - How to Analyse, Understand, and Predict People’s Emotions, Thoughts, Intentions, and Behaviours by Patrick King.
The art of negotiation requires any effective negotiator to understand verbal and nonverbal communication, and we’ve discussed this in previous posts here👇
This is why ‘Reading People Like a Book’ is such a goldmine if you wish to deepen your knowledge in this space. It provides excellent insight into helping you navigate better-negotiated outcomes.
So, let’s get to it…
As a negotiator, you must not only learn the art of intentional (active) listening but also that reading people isn't just about noticing a glance or a fleeting smile. It's in the words chosen, the pauses taken, the postures adopted.
You are Sherlock Holmes
Kahvay alumni will tell you that we illustrate this point in our Master Negotiator learning programme through the ultimate maestro in the magical art of observation: Sherlock Holmes.
So, how do you become your own version of Sherlock Holmes?
Through the power of great observation, obviously! and mastering the art of cold reading. (and yes, fortune tellers are awesome at this skill as well!)
Without prior knowledge, a practised cold-reader can quickly obtain a great deal of information by analysing the person's body language, age, clothing or fashion, hairstyle, gender, sexual orientation, religion, ethnicity, level of education, manner of speech, place of origin, etc. during a line of questioning. Cold readings commonly employ high-probability guesses, quickly picking up on signals as to whether their guesses are in the right direction or not, then emphasising and reinforcing chance connections and quickly moving on from missed guesses. Psychologists believe that this appears to work because of the Barnum effect and due to confirmation biases within people.
Wikipedia
Actions speak louder than words.
There's a great truth behind the adage, “Actions speak louder than words." It's not just about what we say but how our nonverbal cues—especially our micro expressions—silently punctuate those words.
‘The face and body’s silent dialogues’
Originally introduced by Haggard and Isaacs and further developed by Paul Ekman, microexpressions are brief facial movements lasting only seconds. These rapid shifts offer glimpses into our authentic emotions, often occurring beyond our conscious influence.
Paul Ekman originally identified six universally recognised emotions and later added ‘contempt’. His website explores this topic further.
These emotions are considered fundamental across various cultures and are expressed through distinct facial expressions.
Anger: Associated with a furrowed brow, narrowed eyes and tightened lips. It signifies feelings of frustration, hostility, or aggression. The muscles around the mouth and jaw may appear tense, and the gaze may be intense or piercing.
Disgust: This facial expression, depicted by a wrinkled nose, raised upper lip, and narrowed eyes, conveys feelings of aversion, revulsion, or distaste. It serves as a protective mechanism, signalling the rejection of unpleasant stimuli or experiences.
Enjoyment: Characterised by a relaxed face with a genuine smile involving the mouth and eyes. It conveys feelings of joy, contentment, and positivity. The facial expression of happiness is typically symmetrical, with raised cheeks and the corners of the mouth turned upward.
Fear: Fear is conveyed through wide eyes, raised eyebrows, and a tense or open mouth. It signals feelings of apprehension, anxiety, or alarm. The expression of fear is evolutionary and adaptive, preparing the individual to respond to potential threats or dangers.
Sadness: Conveyed through a downward turn of the mouth, lowered eyebrows, and possibly drooping eyelids. It reflects feelings of sorrow, grief, or disappointment. The facial muscles may appear tense or slack, and the expression often involves a furrowing of the brow.
Surprise: Surprise is characterised by widened eyes, raised eyebrows, and an open mouth. It reflects a sudden, unexpected reaction to stimuli. The expression of surprise is often brief and can involve a combination of other emotions, such as fear, excitement, or confusion.
Contempt: Paul Ekman later identified contempt as an additional universal emotion characterised by a slight raising of one side of the mouth, often with narrowed eyes. It signifies feelings of superiority or disdain towards someone or something perceived as inferior.
Check this 👇 for a deeper dive into facial expressions.
Understanding human motivation
All actions are rooted in underlying motivations, influencing our every choice, and the book delves into human motivation, demonstrating how it provides a profound understanding of individuals' behaviours and their impact on their psyche and decisions.
The book outlines three notable psychological concepts,
The Inner Child
Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs
However, I found Carl Jung's popular concept of the shadow self particularly interesting from a negotiator's perspective, a perspective that I hadn’t previously considered
This is simply because understanding ‘the shadow-self’ will arm you with the following;
Self-awareness: Recognising one's own shadow aspects can lead to greater self-awareness. By understanding their own hidden biases, insecurities, and motivations, negotiators can mitigate the impact of these factors on their negotiation style and decision-making process.
Empathy: Acknowledging the existence of the shadow in oneself can foster empathy towards the counterpart. Recognising that everyone has their own unconscious motivations and fears can help negotiators approach interactions with a greater sense of understanding and compassion.
Managing emotions: Awareness of the shadow can help negotiators better manage their emotions during negotiations. By acknowledging and accepting their own emotional triggers and reactions, negotiators can respond more effectively to challenging situations and maintain a calm and composed demeanour.
Building rapport: Recognising and acknowledging the shadow aspects of the counterpart's personality can help negotiators build rapport and establish trust. Showing empathy and understanding towards the counterpart's hidden fears and desires can create a more open and collaborative negotiation environment.
Uncovering hidden interests: Exploring the shadow can help negotiators uncover hidden interests and motivations underlying the counterpart's positions. By probing beneath the surface and addressing the underlying needs and concerns, negotiators can identify creative solutions that meet the interests of both parties.
In negotiation, understanding the various elements at play - including the concealed motives represented by ‘the shadow’, the underlying concerns voiced by the ‘inner child’, and the individual's ‘hierarchy of needs’ - allows for a clearer insight into the driving forces behind others' actions. This comprehension enables negotiators to assess their role within the negotiation dynamics and respond appropriately, which can more effectively foster empathy and trust and uncover mutually beneficial outcomes.
As a side note, though, It's important to realise when you’re dealing with someone’s ‘shadow’ or ‘inner child’ because although the two can feel similar, they are different concepts.
The inner child echoes our childhood experiences and how these events have moulded our responses to the world as adults (triggers), and the shadow self comprises the parts of yourself that you hide away from yourself and others.
The funny thing about personality
Personality, on the other hand, is not fixed. It is a rich tapestry of distinct traits and tendencies that evolve throughout an individual's life.
Human personality is complex, and exploring it can seem overwhelming. However, personality tests can provide valuable insights.
The book refers to three particularly well-known assessments among the myriad available: The Big Five, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), and David Keirsey’s Four Temperaments.
It's important to bear in mind that personalities are dynamic and often change over time due to life circumstances and environments.
I say this whilst at the same time wincing at my own experience with these frameworks so often used within the corporate environment.
These frameworks are not gospel.
But as long as you approach them with objective curiosity rather than subjective emotion, they can be useful in better understanding individuals’ behaviour. Talking of which…
Reading between the lines
One especially interesting element of the book spoke to the topic of ‘lying’.
In negotiation, everyone conceals truths for various reasons, both noble and nefarious. If transparency were universal, deciphering intentions wouldn't be necessary.
Typically, you seek insight into others' motivations, expressions, and characters not merely out of curiosity but also to protect yourself from deceit, manipulation, or hidden agendas.
Mastering the art of discerning underlying messages becomes invaluable; it serves as a defence against ambiguous intentions and aids in distinguishing truth from falsehood. However, it's crucial to acknowledge that while equipped with tools and insights, no method is foolproof due to the intricate nature of human beings and their diverse backgrounds.
But how do you know when someone’s lying?
Many believe that detecting lies hinges solely on observing telltale signs like evasive eyes, hesitant speech, or nervous behaviours during interactions. However, accurately identifying deception often requires more than just superficial observations—it necessitates engaging in meaningful conversations to understand the context and motives behind the dishonesty.
Strategically engaging with the suspected liar (your counterpart!) and asking open-ended questions can sometimes reveal inconsistencies in their narrative.
Interestingly, liars often provide elaborate details initially but struggle to maintain coherence when questioned further.
It's important to recognise that gathering sufficient data to confirm deception takes time and requires a thorough examination of the conversation and the individual's behaviour.
In negotiation, beyond ensuring the accuracy of information, surprise can serve as a potent tactic. Catching someone off-guard makes it challenging to maintain a fabricated story; we're all familiar with this from our own experiences with white lies. Confronting a liar spontaneously, catching them unprepared, often leads to rushed, inconsistent responses. Paying attention to behavioural cues such as increased nervousness and significant changes in descriptions can be revealing.
However, some individuals are habitual liars or even pathological ones. So, how do you unsettle an experienced liar?
One effective approach is to increase their cognitive load.
While truth-telling involves straightforward recall and relay, lying demands active creation—a cognitive effort.
By overwhelming a liar's cognitive processes—perhaps by introducing false information, posing questions to which you already know the accurate answers, or persistently highlighting inconsistencies—you can dismantle their deception.
The Theory of Mind.
In summary, the book is about the theory of mind, a psychological term referring to our capacity to comprehend and anticipate another individual's thoughts, emotions, and motives.
Essentially, we construct a mental model of their perspective. However, it's important to acknowledge that these models are only rough approximations. They cannot fully grasp the complexity of any individual, who is a unique mix of experiences, beliefs, and emotions.
Therefore, while our instincts about people's intentions can be useful, they are not foolproof.
We all come from diverse backgrounds and have taken different paths, so relying solely on intuition cannot completely define someone. That's why it's crucial to invest more effort into refining your observations with data and identifying patterns before drawing conclusions.
Looking to decode non-verbal cues? Here are a few pointers to consider…
Acquaint yourself with an individual's typical behaviour. Invest time in observing their everyday gestures and expressions. This familiarity will enable you to identify deviations from their usual demeanour, particularly in high-pressure situations.
Look for patterns in these deviations. Stay vigilant for any departures from their customary behaviour. For example, take note if a usually composed individual begins displaying signs of nervousness, such as fidgeting with their hair.
Gather evidence. Avoid hasty conclusions based solely on isolated gestures. Instead, analyse the context surrounding these behaviours to construct a more comprehensive understanding of the individual.
That's all, folks!
We hope you found this useful. Feel free to comment. Have yourselves a wonderful weekend!
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