Negotiate Like a Pro: Be The Iron Hand in a Velvet Glove
Unlock the Secret to Standing Your Ground, Controlling Tough Tactics, Winning Deals and Building Strong Relationships
The Weekly Walkaway highlights negotiation in its ‘good’, ‘bad’ and sometimes ‘downright ugly’ forms. Issue No. 82 (21st June 2024).
Hey there, Walkawayers!
This week, we’re diving into one of my favourite paradoxes in the negotiation universe: being tough on issues but warm on people.
Say what?
Sounds tricky, right?
Well, that’s why it’s called negotiating with an iron hand in a velvet glove.
Put your iron hand in a velvet glove - Napoleon Bonaparte
And no, it's not just an excuse to wear those fancy gloves you’ve been hiding away in that closet, Frank.
But first…
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The Paradox of Negotiation
Let’s start with a little scene-setting. Picture this: You’re in a negotiation, tensions are high.
Stakes? Even higher.
Your job? Navigate through the storm, avoiding all the rocks and ensure your ship can sail again.
Easy peasy, right? Well, only if you’ve got the whole iron-hand-in-velvet-glove thing.
In the world of negotiation and especially in human capital, this approach is not just a nice to have; it’s essential.
Simply put it means you stand your ground on the issues that matter while maintaining relationships that are crucial to long-term success.
Sound familiar?
You need to be tough on the problem but not on the person.
Why It Matters
Negotiating within human capital is all about people.
Shocking, I know. Whether you're dealing with recruitment, consulting or team dynamics, wherever a human negotiates with a human for a human the human element is always at the forefront.
But here’s the kicker Walkawayers; people are more likely to cooperate and find mutually beneficial solutions if they feel respected and valued. That’s where the velvet glove comes in.
Shocked.. Of course not, you shouldn't be but you’d be surprised how many get this simple rule so wrong.
Most of the time we are coaching people who have been soft on an issue and soft on the person and wonder why they are being exploited or why the negotiation is going in the wrong direction.
The Iron Hand: Standing Your Ground
First things first, let’s talk about the iron hand. This is the part where you need to be firm and assertive. I like to think of our Lighthouse and how firm it needs to stand against the raging storm. Here’s what you need to master your iron hand:
1. Know Your Worth
Before you walk into any negotiation, make sure you know your worth. Do your homework and have a clear idea of what you bring to the table. Confidence is key.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Setting boundaries is crucial. It’s about knowing what you need to achieve whilst also knowing what you are unable to move on, your walkaways. This requires a bit of extra planning and you’ll need to be prepared to articulate your boundaries clearly and precisely so there is no confusion.
3. Be Assertive, Not Aggressive
There’s a fine line between assertiveness and aggression. Being assertive means standing up for your interests while still respecting others. It’s about clarity and firmness. Aggression, on the other hand, often comes from a place of insecurity and can damage relationships. So, channel your inner iron (wo)man without turning into a raging gorilla in the proverbial china shop.
The Velvet Glove: Empathy and Respect
Now, let’s slip on that velvet glove. Ooh it feels good..
Let me be very clear; this does not give you the opportunity to go all soft and floppy, to hug that pillow and hope for the best. Remember you need to be tough on the issues.. You can not do that if you’ve gone all soft now can you?
This is where the magic happens. Being the velvet glove is more about being empathetic and respectful, it can make all the difference in a negotiation. Here’s how to master the velvet glove:
1. Listen Actively
Active listening is a superpower in negotiations. We have written about it often. It’s not just about hearing words; it’s about understanding the emotions and motivations behind them. When you show genuine interest in what the other person is saying, it builds trust and rapport. And trust me, people are more likely to work with you if they feel heard.
2. Show Empathy
Empathy is your secret weapon. Climb to the top of your lighthouse and look down on the situation from a different point of view. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Understand their perspective and acknowledge their feelings. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, but showing that you understand can warm up even the toughest negotiations.
3. Communicate Clearly and Warmth
Clear communication is essential, but so is warmth. Be straightforward about your needs and expectations, but do it with a touch of open warmth. Avoid the blame game and focus on finding solutions. Remember, negotiation is not about winning; it’s about finding solutions and reaching agreements.
Putting It All Together, In A Perfect World
Alright, let’s tie this all up in a neat little bow. The iron hand and velvet glove approach is about balance. It’s about being firm on the issues that matter while being warm and respectful towards the people involved. Here’s a quick checklist to keep you on track:
Prepare Thoroughly: Know your worth and understand your boundaries..
Be Assertive: Stand your ground without being aggressive. Communicate your needs clearly.
Listen Actively: Show genuine interest in the other person’s perspective.
Show Empathy: Acknowledge emotions and demonstrate understanding.
Communicate warmly: Be clear and straightforward, but always with a touch of warmth.
What to Do When Their Gloves Come Off?
Now, let’s address the elephant seal on the rock. What happens when your counterpart is not just tough on the issue but also tough on you? Or worse, when they’re trying to exploit you or impose their will? This is where your negotiation skills are truly tested.
1. Why Stay Warm?
When facing a tough or even hostile counterpart, it might seem counterintuitive to stay warm. But here’s why it’s crucial:
Maintains Professionalism: Responding to aggression with aggression only escalates the conflict. It's the law of reciprocity baby! Staying calm and respectful keeps the negotiation professional and using positive reciprocity you can de-escalate tensions.
Builds Long-Term Relationships: Even if the current negotiation is tough, you will probably have to work with this person again. Keeping the relationship intact is beneficial in the long run and prevents any tit for tat, dissatisfaction and resentment.
Leverages Psychological Advantage: People often expect pushback when they’re being tough. Responding with warmth can disarm them and shift the dynamic in your favour.
2. How to Stay Tough
Remaining tough on the issues, even when under pressure, requires a few key strategies:
Attack the issue not the person: Stick to the fact, focus on the issue, data and objective criteria. This keeps the discussion centred on the issue, not personal attacks.
Reframe Tactics: If the other party is using manipulative tactics, call them out diplomatically. For example, “I understand you’re under pressure, but let’s focus on finding a solution that works for both of us.”
Use the Power of Silence: Sometimes, less is more. If the other person is being aggressive, a well-timed pause can shift the power dynamic and give you time to collect your thoughts.
Seek Common Ground: ‘Put a pin it’, god I hate that term, sorry, but quite literally pause the issue, look for other areas of agreement and re-build momentum towards resolution. Then go back to the issue that was causing conflict.
The Tough Quarterly Review
Lets imagine you’re in a quarterly review, your counterpart is attacking you and your service to try and stop an expected increase in fees. Imagine your counterpart is being unreasonably tough and dismissive of your team's contributions, and trying to discredit you.
Step 1: Stay Professional
Even if they are being difficult, maintain your professionalism. Keep your tone calm and respectful.
Step 2: Present Your Case with Facts
Reiterate your worth with concrete data. Present your teams achievements, KPI’s and other benchmarks.
Step 3: Call Out Tactics
If they use manipulative tactics, address them diplomatically. “I sense there might be concerns about your budget, but let’s explore how we can address this.”
Step 4: Seek Creative Solutions
Propose creative solutions that could meet both your needs. Maybe a change in payment terms, new business and increased client penetration, increase in volume, written testimonials, or additional perks; first refusal, meeting higher-ups, innovation days etc..
Step 5: Stay Firm
Don’t let the tough exterior intimidate you. Stand your ground on what you require, but continue to engage respectfully.
By balancing toughness on the issues with warmth towards the person, you not only stand a better chance of achieving your goals but also maintain your integrity and relationships.
Final Thoughts
Negotiating with an iron hand in a velvet glove is an art. It’s about balance, respect, and a dash of empathy. It’s about being a tough cookie with a warm centre. Master this approach, and you’ll find yourself navigating even the trickiest of negotiations with grace and confidence.
So, the next time you’re gearing up for a negotiation, slip on that velvet glove, flex that iron hand, and go get what you need. Just remember it’s the law of reciprocity, baby!.
Until next time Walkawayers.