Embrace Your Inner Toddler. Say NO!
To increase yours and your company's value you must consider and then learn to break past the social conditioning that makes saying "no" so uncomfortable for you. Then learn: No.. But.
The Weekly Walkaway highlights negotiation in its ‘good’, ‘bad’ and sometimes ‘downright ugly’ forms. Issue No. 72 (5th April 2024).
Thought of The Week
Embrace Your Inner Toddler. Say NO!
Negotiation begins with no…
Remember that time your beautiful angelic toddler changed into that ‘NO’ screaming banshee?
I do. And I’ve had three of the little buggers who are now not so wee!
If you haven't yet had the pleasure… prepare yourselves!
It's around 2 years when your cherub-like spawn suddenly discovers the magic word: ‘NO’!
To this day I refuse to believe they just stumbled upon it! I’m certain it was Martin or Tom, their ‘fun-uncles’, preconditioning them as a joke. It was all just a wind up!
Same as that bloody drum kit and trumpet!
Say NO. Say NO. Say NO.
I mean C’mon, how do they just stumble upon this linguistic superpower? And they can't resist the temptation to wield it like a tiny nappy tyrant.
Especially when they see how powerful it truly is!
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With newfound gusto, they declare "no" to everything from broccoli to bedtime, in the shopping isles of supermarkets and in airport check in queues, asserting their independence with the fervour of a miniature, reincarnated, Margaret Thatcher, god bless her soul.
It is their way of saying, "I may be small, but I am mighty!"
But, this is a natural part of their language development as they become more aware of their own desires, preferences, and boundaries.
Saying "no" allows your little Maggie Thatcher to assert their independence and express their opinions. And even if they may not fully understand the concept of negotiation yet, they are getting there, oh believe me, they are getting there quickly!
Because without being imprinted with the values of society to restrict them they wield their new found negotiating power without limits, until we; parents, teachers, sports coaches and other role models slap them down and squeeze their tiny souls to help them understand what is right and wrong, so they follow the ‘norms’ of life.
They are testing their limits and asserting control in their environment.
And here we have the problem.
Just like you are helping your tiny terror to understand that saying ‘no’ is wrong you were also conditioned that saying ‘no’ is wrong.
And so you feel uncomfortable saying ‘no’ now in adulthood.
Yes, yes.. It’s generalistic, I know.
Some of you are very comfortable saying no. But there is a mighty majority who are able to self reflect who feel ‘bad’ saying no, guilty even.
We could spend hours on the psychology of this but we won't.
If you are interested, and we all should be if you're to master negotiation, then you can go to any book, Youtube or Substack to read or hear about it.
I’d recommend starting with ‘I’m OK, You're OK’ by Eric Berne. Transactional analysis, parent adult child ego states and all that jazz.
It’s quite a mouthful but it highlights how our upbringing and past experiences shape our communication patterns and attitudes towards authority etc..
Maybe a post for another day.
So, here we have the problem. You feel ‘bad’ saying ‘no’. So you say ‘yes’ instead!
But, negotiation begins with ‘no’.
And negotiation is also, at its most basic level, about satisfaction.
So how the hell are you gonna satisfy the other person if you just say ‘yes’!
When you say yes you are delusional.
You believe your ‘yes’ will make them happy and that you’ll satisfy them.
But all you are doing is satisfying yourself as you release feelings of guilt and other issues brought up through ‘transactional; analysis’; parent, adult, child.
But in fact, by saying yes, you dissatisfy them. You create an opposite response.
Bonkers, I know…
They perceive it was too easy for you and therefore they could have got more from you..
So guess what? They come back for more and more and more until you finally say NO!
Until you finally assert yourself like that tiny nappy wearing Marggie Thatcher!
Famous Maggie Thatcher Quote: No! This lady’s not for turning!
Look, if you don't believe me that's fine.
I’ve done this long enough to know when people’s values get challenged they throw up 12ft walls to protect themselves.
This is all natural. But at least allow yourself to consider these additional points;
Starting with a ‘no’ signals that you are serious about your position and that you won't accept just any offer. This means you are ready and willing to protect yours and your company's value.
By saying ‘no’ you set a higher perceived value for what you're negotiating for. Therefore you’ll be in a better position to increase yours and your company’s value.
When you say ‘no’ it prompts the other party to make concessions to try to convince you to change your position. That movement increases yours and your company's value.
By saying ‘no’ you maintain leverage and control in the negotiation. It gives you room to manoeuvre and explore alternatives without committing too quickly and eroding yours or your company's value.
Saying ‘no’ allows you to establish your boundaries and priorities, which then guides the direction of the negotiation and prevents you from agreeing terms that erode yours and your company's value.
Using ‘no’ prompts the other party to engage in more meaningful dialogue to understand your concerns and find common ground. This can then lead to a more collaborative environment, and isn't this what you’re really looking for?
Look, I get it. Saying yes is easy. It makes you feel good. But it devalues you and your company.
FACT: People value the things that are hard to get.
That is why scarce resources cost more and why resources in abundance cost a hell of a lot less. Economics 1-0-1. You're not gonna get a real diamond necklace from your local one pound store, are you? Are YOU? No!
So by saying ‘no’ you make what you have that little more valuable to them.
And when you finally give, you increase their levels of satisfaction. Simples.
Want to know another way… want to learn how to use ‘No.. But..’?
How about the negotiation tactic ‘The Margaret Thatcher’ and how to defend against it?
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