Being Terrified. A Story of a Rugby Coach And What he Learnt about Negotiation

Lessons from Youth Rugby on Mastering Negotiation

The Weekly Walkaway highlights negotiation in its ‘good’, ‘bad’ and sometimes ‘downright ugly’ forms. Issue No. 78 (17th May 2024).

Thought of The Week

Lessons from Youth Rugby on Mastering Negotiation

Happy Friday, Walkawayers! 

As some of you know one of my passions, outside of supporting you of course, is youth rugby.

I proudly serve as the head coach for the Chobham Rugby’s U14 girls squad.

Individually the players are either Valkyrie or Berserker, together they are the Mighty Shield Maidens of Chobham.

Yup, that’s me…

I’m also privileged to help coach at county level, the Surrey U17 and U18 boys.

Recently, the Mighty Shield Maidens of Chobham accomplished something extraordinary: they WON The Surrey Cup, also known as the Quinns Cup, for the third consecutive year. 

Their final triumph took place on the prestigious grounds of The Stoop at Twickenham, home of the Harlequins.

Champions of Surrey, again! What a moment!! What a moment to be a coach!

Very proud, very proud indeed.

Now, you might be wondering, ‘What does all this have to do with negotiation?’ I know, I know, bear with me, there is always a valuable lesson and this one is important for all of us.

But, in case you don’t have time to read it all, here is the conclusion;

Conclusion

In conclusion, the principles of negotiation that we learn from coaching rugby are as essential in daily life as they are in sports.

Through coaching the Mighty Shield Maidens of Chobham, I've seen first hand how the art of negotiation extends far beyond the pitch, influencing broader aspects of their lives, leadership, responsibility, and teamwork.

The unity, understanding and respect we cultivate among our young players not only propels them to victory on the field but also equips them with crucial life skills.

Through us these young players not only learn how to navigate and manage conflict on the pitch but also with their peers, overcoming personal challenges through the values we instil in them.

The triumphs of the Mighty Shield Maidens of Chobham are not just about trophies but about the bonds they form and the challenges they overcame together.

As we celebrate these victories, we also prepare them for the many negotiations they will face off the field, in their personal and future professional lives. The lessons we've learned together are invaluable, proving that successful negotiation is about sharing a long term vision for success.

Thank you to the Mighty Shield Maidens, their families, our medics, my fellow coaches and our manager for another remarkable season. Here's to the skills we've developed, the matches they’ve won, and the negotiations we've navigated together.

Let's continue to carry these lessons forward, championing not just in rugby, but in every aspect of our lives.

Understanding Needs: 1-0-1 to Effective Negotiation

Coaching youth rugby has taught me that negotiation is less about dividing that ‘pie’ and more about ensuring the pie has all the right ingredients for everyone to thrive. 

For the Mighty Shield Maidens unity was their secret power, their magic ingredient, that brought them success and ultimately victory. They weren't the biggest, the fastest nor the most skilled team in the league, but they were the most bonded.

They sang, skipped and danced their way from the changing room to the pitch, together. And then they sang, skipped and danced their way to pick up the cup, together.

Gary Street is quoted as saying ‘Boys compete to bond. Girls bond to compete’.

Gary Street led the England women's national team to World Cup victory in 2014 so he knows a thing or two and he is so right! They need to form a bond to then go out and compete together, and as coaches, our role is to foster an environment where these bonds can develop and flourish, and where each player feels seen, valued, and understood.

On the flip side and where I came from, boys’ teams tend to compete to bond. Their camaraderie grows from their competitive spirit.

As you can imagine I was terrified when I was volunteered into the new role as head coach, girls rugby.

Terrified!

One of the factors that terrified me the most was that, unlike boys rugby, girls rugby is made up of two age groups. Forming bonds therefore means breaking old established bonds and forging new across different ages, schools and existing friendship groups. EVERY SEASON!

Yet, I’ve come to learn that coaching a girls' rugby team that “bonds to compete,” as aptly stated by Gary Street, required an understanding and faith that their unity would become their strength. Once they bonded they did anything for each other and by god they did.

Add to this the heady mix of teenage hormones, external pressures, individual needs and differing skill levels and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

And so understanding all of their needs as much as humanly possible was essential to create an environment of success.

Just like negotiation, you’ve got to nurture a team that can effectively negotiate and you’ve got to understand everyone's needs, not just your own but also your counterparts.

Well you could try going into a negotiation and arrogantly ‘telling’ them what to do and ignoring what they are asking for but you are unlikely to succeed.

Humans are a tricky animal and when emotions get involved they become illogical and irrational, just like a teenage rugby player!

Getting Them To Point In The Same Direction, Fostering Responsibility and Leadership

We ask all our players to be leaders, and I don't just mean to be team leaders or defence leaders or attack leaders or scrum leaders I mean to lead by example.

Part of this comes through our three-step debriefing process (see below) where we look to empower them to take responsibility for their own actions on and off the pitch.

As leaders they get to think about how they can contribute to the team’s success.

They get to make a choice;

• make a change;

• don’t change;

• or do differently.

Choose appropriately and they are becoming leaders. When they get to observe a player who has chosen to lead they ‘get-it’. They know what they need to do..

As an example we imprinted onto them the need for the Chobham Shield Wall.

They were all Shield Maidens and no one was going to get through their shield wall. Shield to shield, shoulder to shoulder.

This not only created unity but also a sense of responsibility. They needed to take personal responsibility for ‘their shield’.

From this simple point they all could point in the same direction. They all knew and understood what they needed to do to hold the line, to stay strong in the Shield Wall.

In negotiation this would be like gaining internal stakeholder alignment and Commander's Intent.

As a negotiator you need the authority to negotiate and you also need to know your objectives for the negotiation. When everyone in the negotiation team knows what they are doing, is aligned and pointing in the same direction then you become a powerful unified force.

Behaviour Breeds Behaviour

The art of negotiation, communication and collaboration is also evident in how we, as coaches, interact and function, on and off the field, and how we share responsibilities and execute tasks together. 

The coaching team: Brad, Brendan, Doug, James, Jules, Lauren, Nick and Ralf

I salute you. 

You have created a nurturing and successful environment. You’ve respected each other's knowledge, diverse coaching styles and aligned your decisions to present a united front.

This collaboration has taught our players, and indeed all of us, that negotiation isn't about imposing your will but about finding a common cause that inspires collective action.

What you have shown by your leadership and positive behaviour is what has brought us together and instilled in us a unity the players and their supporters have then replicated. 

Behaviour Breeds Behaviour people.  Simples! Our players feel, see and hear our unity and then reflect it on the pitch.

Negotiation is no different…

Navigating Dreams and Realities: The Role of Our Age Group Manager

James, our age group manager, plays a critical role in balancing the dreams of our young players and the expectations of their parents. James has negotiated daily: mediating between what a player wants and what is actually needed, between parental pressures and the coaching team’s insights, between beer incited and often arrogant opinion and that’s not even bringing in the needs and wants of club and county.

Remember ‘everyone's an expert’ and in this new tech world everyone is free to express their opinion, rightly or wrongly.

His approach, grounded in empathy and transparency, not only facilitates better outcomes on the field but also models how to align personal aspirations with broader objectives, a fundamental negotiation skill useful in any professional setting.

I’ve learnt much from James. He actively listens and because of this simple skill both players and parents feel heard.

You Are Much More Equal Than You Think: Technique, Strength and Courage. 

My guiding principle has always been clear: "Size doesn't matter, all you need is technique, strength and courage."

This is true in rugby as it is in negotiation.

This belief is not only pivotal on the rugby field but also deeply relevant in the subtle art of negotiation, particularly when it comes to understanding ‘POWER’, and the difference between real and perceived power.

Applying Technique, Strength and Courage

• Technique: As in rugby, good technique in negotiation is key to success. You wouldn't enter a scrum, a lineout, a maul or even make a tackle if you didn't have the technique to do so. In fact it becomes incredibly dangerous. 

  • In any negotiation you need to know what you're doing. You can’t wing it. If you do, you are sure to lose more than just money! And more importantly good technique out performs power any day. FACT.

• Strength: Rugby is a game of strength. Not just physical strength but also emotional and mental resilience, the kind that has led our players to become county champions three times running. They have played bigger sides, more powerful players, but they never gave up, they kept fighting, for each other, to the very end. The perception of power, like when you first enter a stadium and see the opposition is far bigger than you is very different to what real power is; planning, practising and building confidence in your position, your ability to tackle, ruck, maul and carry. Real power is knowledge.

  • Strength in negotiations involves maintaining a positive mindset and meeting every challenge head on. It’s about trusting your plan and the team around you. It's about not allowing external influences to change the perception of power in your mind and to trust in yourself to succeed. Plan. Plan. Plan.

• Courage: is crucial, especially in a competitive full contact sport like rugby. For our young players, courage means more than just assertive play; it’s about stepping up in leadership roles, facing fears of failure, and having the bravery to make ‘that’ tackle, hit ‘that’ ruck, and carry the ball into known contact. It is also very much about them having the bravery and confidence to make their own decisions. And it is this bravery I hear week in week out that they take into their lives outside of rugby.

  • This courage translates directly to negotiation skills. Having this courage empowers you to take charge of negotiations, stand up for your agenda and ideas, and negotiate boldly, assertively, confidently.

Instilling Creativity and Problem-Solving Skills

We focus on problem-solving during training, we have looked to develop players who can tackle not only other players but also issues, situations and interpersonal challenges, without immediate guidance from an authority figure, like a coach.

This method has encouraged independence and has prepared them for in-game decisions, which enhanced their ability to negotiate on and off the field.

Rugby is a dynamic contact sport, it can be quite brutal in places and stuff happens in a heartbeat. Split-second decisions can turn games. One moment you could be attacking up the right wing but within seconds your team could be on the back foot, scrambling to defend a kick in behind on the left hand side of the pitch. It’s crucial that players learn to think on their feet.

This is why, in our training sessions, we coach by presenting problems for players to solve on their own. 

We have given them the tools and the techniques. We then leave them to use those tools to solve a given problem.

This could range from how to break through a particularly tough defence, to how to defend a lineout, from how to scramble back in defence to how to counter attack.

But it also includes more personal stuff like how to manage interpersonal challenges and managing conflict on and off the pitch.

This approach is grounded in the philosophy that the most impactful learning occurs when they are allowed to navigate challenges without immediate guidance.

By stepping back, we have allowed players to explore and experiment with different choices. This has given them the ability to solve their own problems and deal with similar situations in games, at school and even at home, where they can’t turn to a coach for help.

Too often I’ve heard screaming opposition coaches and supporters shouting at their players to do this, or do that, or not to do something else.

Rather than letting the players make up their own mind.

My coaches and I have prided ourselves on our silence.

We have coached them. We have given them all the tools they need for the game. We now must trust them.

If all negotiators approached their negotiations in a similar way, with creativity and with a problem solving mentality then we all would be navigating much better outcomes but there is a warning here too; this approach reflects directly on managers and how to cultivate an environment where their negotiators learn to assess, decide, and act in a manner that is appropriate for effective negotiation. This means giving their negotiators the tools and techniques via appropriate training using experiential techniques, let them learn by doing, and then not stepping in. Trust them, let them negotiate.

The Importance of Debriefing

Our three-step debriefing process during training and games, focusing on what worked, what didn’t, and what needs to change, helped the players reflect and take responsibility for their decisions.

‘Grown Ups’ find this process very difficult yet could learn so much from it.

If its good enough for Olympians, The Red Arrows and even Navy Seals…

Read: Extreme Ownership

This practice is as crucial in life as it is in rugby, promoting a mindset of continuous improvement and adaptability.

Debriefing sessions became integral to our players' sessions.

1. What Worked? We start on a positive note by identifying the choices, actions, behaviours, and skills that were effective during the game. This not only reinforces good practices but also boosts morale and confidence. Recognising what they are doing well encourages players to continue these actions and understand their strengths in a practical context. I also like to pick out an individual and give praise or sometimes ask the players to point at the player they feel most embodies what they need to be doing out there.

2. What Isn't working? This involves a critical but constructive review of what didn’t go as planned. What is not working. It’s important for players to acknowledge areas of difficulty or error openly. This step is not about assigning blame but about understanding and learning from these experiences. It requires honest reflection and open communication, key aspects of successful negotiation in any field.

3. What Do They Need To Do Differently? The final question shifts focus from reflection to proactive improvement. Players are encouraged to think about personal adjustments and actions to enhance their performance. This fosters a mindset of continuous improvement and adaptability, again an essential skill in both sports and life.

When coaching youth I have found this process incredibly powerful.

Unfortunately adults find it very hard to self-reflect and most of the time try to assign blame or slip into ‘TELL’ mode where they pass on their knowledge and experience by telling everyone else what ‘they’ are doing wrong without accepting blame for themselves. 

Yup, you all know one of those.. Unfortunately I’ve played alongside many of these types. Arrogant and painful and usually these are the ones who then immediately go back on the pitch and do exactly what they've just told you not to do!

In negotiation, as it is in many situations, this ability to debrief is an essential skill. You need to foster an environment of openness and safety where adults are able to challenge their own performance without judgement or fear of reprisal. Then, and only then will the negotiation and the negotiators have a chance of improving themselves.

Handling a Complex and Sometimes Toxic Environment

Despite the largely positive nature of rugby, negative behaviours do arise, necessitating robust negotiation skills to manage different personalities and emotions effectively.

It is difficult navigating all those various personalities and emotions. Even when you lead the most successful team in Surrey and have led them to becoming three times champions.

Dealing with ignorance, arrogance, and even straight malice can still pose significant challenges from parents, supporters and even other coaches within your own club.

My Grandmother used to have this tea towel hanging on the wall, it read:

‘Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do’.

Here is what I’ve learned:

1. Stay Calm: In all interactions, especially those charged with negative emotions or hostility, maintaining a calm demeanour is crucial. Try to detach your personal feelings from the process and try to approach each situation objectively. Focus on the facts and the end goals without getting side-tracked by their personal grievances or emotional responses;

2. Set Clear Boundaries and Focus on Common Goals: Setting clear boundaries is essential when interacting with toxic individuals. Define what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t, and stick to these boundaries during interactions. Try at all times to redirect conversations towards common goals, such as the success of their player or the squad. Try also to focus on the issue not the personal conflicts;

3. Choose Your Battles: Recognise not every conflict is worth engaging in. Sometimes, the best way to handle toxic behaviour is to ignore it. If an issue does not directly impact the team’s performance or morale, it might be more appropriate to let it go. But if battle needs to be had, then punch first and punch hard. Stand up for the rights of your team, assert control and defend all who are affected by ‘the other persons’ negative behaviour or words.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the principles of negotiation that we learn from coaching rugby are as essential in daily life as they are in sports.

Through coaching the Mighty Shield Maidens of Chobham, I've seen first hand how the art of negotiation extends far beyond, influencing broader aspects of leadership, responsibility, and teamwork.

The unity, understanding and respect we cultivate among our young players not only propels them to victory on the field but also equips them with crucial life skills.

Through us these young players not only learn how to navigate and manage conflict on the pitch but also with their peers, overcoming personal challenges through the values we instil in them.

The triumphs of the Mighty Shield Maidens of Chobham are not just about trophies but about the bonds they form and the challenges they overcame together.

As we celebrate these victories, we also prepare them for the many negotiations they will face off the field, in their personal and future professional lives. The lessons we've learned together are invaluable, proving that successful negotiation is about sharing a long term vision for success.

Thank you to the Mighty Shield Maidens, their families, our medics, my fellow coaches and our manager for another remarkable season. Here's to the skills we've developed, the matches they’ve won, and the negotiations we've navigated together.

Let's continue to carry these lessons forward, championing not just in rugby, but in every aspect of our lives.

POEM OF THE WEEK

I couldn’t sleep before the final and stayed up most of the night chewing my nails and ended up writing this!

Dear Gods of Rugby, heed our plea,

Grant strength to face what's yet to be.

Endow us with courage, speed, and might,

Unleash us; Valkyries, Berserkers, in flight.

Ignite our team ablaze; fierce and bright,

With timing, vision and hands so light.

Let us run with determination, power and grace,

Catching with ease, and passing to space.

In tackles fierce, let us aim low,

Jackaling, rucking, and mauling to go.

In victory or defeat, let us be true,

To compete, cheer, clap, in all that we do.

O Gods of the turf and egg-shaped ball,

Grant us the essence, the spirit of RUGBY, above all.

And when the final whistle blows in the fray,

Let our hearts be full, whatever comes our way.

For in this game, we find our unity,

For in Rugby's embrace, we find our community.